3 AM. Night feeds. And a nervous system on edge

It’s 3 AM. I’m trying to finish my baby’s night feeds. I’m worried about what’s going on in my country. The attacks. And I’m just noticing how tense my nervous system is.

I decided to pray at the mosque earlier today. And I jumped at every sound. It wasn’t missiles. It wasn’t interceptions. But I was on edge. I kept coming back to my prayer and finding my ground with God.

And then I noticed something. Not everyone around me was on edge. It was me.

It got me thinking about a study I remember about war and PTSD. That usually the war veterans who developed PTSD had early trauma. Not everyone who goes through war develops PTSD. But the ones who already had an activated nervous system before the war were more likely to.

And it got me thinking about safety.

I am safe. I’m alive. My country is keeping us safe and doing its best to protect us. Yet there are moments of great panic within me.

It really got me reflecting on my own nervous system and how my experiences have shaped my perception of safety. Safety is relative. Each person will be triggered by the same event in completely different ways.

So I am afraid. And sometimes my fear is in proportion to what’s actually happening. And other times it’s my own unresolved stuff.

Like at one point during prayer, there were kids outside the mosque playing. And I perceived that as danger. I immediately felt this reaction building up inside me.

I kept talking to myself. It’s just kids. It’s just kids.

And then I noticed something else. A couple of times when I heard bangs (it was just the doors opening), I found my hands trying to reach out for my mom, who was next to me. Without thinking. My body was looking for safety in the most primal way it knows.

And then I realized a few things.

First. It’s okay to be scared and feel safe at the same time.

Second. I don’t need to run. This is not dangerous. I am safe. We are safe.

And my nervous system is building capacity to hold both truths at the same time. That there is real reason for vigilance, and that right now, in this moment, I am okay.

A big part of what I feel is based on current events. And another part is based on past events. And both are real. And both deserve space.

If you’re feeling more activated than usual right now. More anxious, more on edge, jumping at sounds, not sleeping, holding tension you can’t explain.

Your nervous system isn’t broken. It’s responding.

And how it responds isn’t just about what’s happening now. It’s also shaped by everything that came before.

Some of what you’re feeling is a normal response to real events. And some of it is old pain finding a new reason to surface.

You don’t need to figure out which is which right now. You just need to know that both are real. Both make sense. And you’re not the only one carrying this.